Never Okay...

I haven't posted for a while, The last few weeks have been kinda crazy. A lot is going on in town and with family and such.

I'm still coping with losing Papa. I know everyone else is as well but it still hits me BIG TIME at certain points. Also, I found out another classmate of mine passed away on the first. We weren't close but this shows that no matter how much we all didn't get along, we are always there for each other.

This explains the title, he was drinking that night and he drove after. Drunk driving in my book is never okay. I know that a lot of people my age push limits, goodness knows we all have. But.. it takes something like this for people to realize what can happen. 


The saddest part of this is that people wish they could have controlled what happened that night. It is true though that no one can  control what you do except for you.

R.I.P. Jared.

'Tis Going to be Different This Christmas.

So I thought I would elaborate on the passing of my Papa. Maybe writing about it will help me a bit. I have been an emotional mess the last dew days.

A woke up to dad calling for me outside my door at about 6 or so. I hadn't had a good night sleep at all and maybe that was the reason why. We got into the car, dressed but not yet showered. I just threw on clothes, not even caring about what anything looked like.


We got to thwe hospital right after he passed. I was pretty stoic until I saw Autumn and Aunt Jill. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I just stayed next to Autumn as much as I could. She whispered, "he's only got a few more seconds, say bye now." That made all of us sob and it was hard to breath. Levi was already getting around down in Illinois to come up.

I called him at one point just to check and see what was going on and he was as big of a mess as anyone. Honestly, it was good that he wasn't there to see what we all saw. It would have been so hard to see my brother cry. It was good that we all got to spend these past few days together.

There were so many things we had to do that even now, the days seem to be running together. I had to contact my teacher and tell him my homework would be submitted late. I hope he gives me until the end of the week to finish all of this stuff. At one point, I thought I may need to drop the class but I feel like, as long as I turn everything in, I don't care what the grades are at this point. I am hoping to get it all done by Monday so I get the 20-27 off without worry about stuff. I am already going to write an appeal letter to just be ready.

Anyway, Papa is at peace now and that is what matters, Although he struggled the last few hours, he doesn't have anymore pain or struggle anymore.

Hard few months.

The last few months have been hectic here. The family seems to be torn down every few weeks just to become stronger.
Grandma had to have surgery on her leg. She now has a fixator that is helping her bones heal.
Aunt Jill had pancreatic issues, came down with pneumonia.
Papa passed away this past Monday. I will go into detail later, ust wanted to tell yall where I have been.

Tryin to keep busy

I have been trying to keep busy this morning. I know I have a lot to do. But, it is only 50 after 8 and I am still a little tired. I have already converted some stuff this morning like Austin City Limits from last night. Miranda Lambert is amazing. I didn't record Jeff bridges though. Oh well..

Printed out a recipe for mom that I am going to do a video on. Autumn Stuffed pumpkin. Yum, plus, I finally get to make my famous pumpkin seeds. Going to try a different way this time though, on the stove instead of in the oven.

I wanted today to be a lazy day but laundry, room cleaning, and homework await me. Boo. 

We're Not In Kansas Anymore

Life has been crazy, kinda like a whirlwind. And no, I have not moved, I promise. Here is the new hair:

 before

after

It's odd only having to use a little bit of shampoo and conditioner. Plus, I only have to wash my hair for less than 5 mins. CRAZY! It is no longer  fried and no more split ends. I realized how much I miss having shorter hair. Now I can still put it up but it isn't so long that headbands look dumb. I need new headbands come to think of it. 

On another front, the doctor weighed me and I am 175 lbs. I know not many people say their weight but I thought I should put it in my blog to keep myself accountable. I have been watching my portions since my appointment Tuesday. It feels like it has been longer than four and a half days but it is a lifestyle change. The nice thing is, I have learned how to finally plan meals and such. 

I dropped my math class so that my GPA will stay up. I am going to work my butt off to get great grades on my economics assignments.

Used to be

I wish I was ballsey enough when I had short hair to wear dresses and look pretty all the time. my hair evolution has been pretty nuts. My whole life as a kid, I HAD to have short hair. Damn lice. Whenever I would start growing it out, someone would find something. In high school it all changed....

I decided after my freshman year I was going to grow it out. I only had my hair severely cute once in high school. It was back to normal by Junior year. I think since then, my hair has been pretty much every color but blond. I am so pale that it just wouldn't look right.

I don't know why I wanted to write about this, maybe because I am going to get it cut for the first time in years on Monday. WEIRD! I'm not going to go that short but still.

I do think though that sometimes, people tie confidence into their looks. I am less confident when I have a zit, stereotypical right? Oddly enough, I thought I was more attractive when my hair was cut really short. Although, when it was short I was worried about gaining weight because everyone would say. "your skinny face works with short hair". 

I've got Spirit

(image from: http://fypastelhair.tumblr.com/) 

Today is spirit day. At the moment it is 12:20 and I am still in pajamas. Yes... don't judge me. I do have my outfit planed though. Plaid purple & black top, jeans, black & purple tank tops (layered)  cute shoes. :) I don't have much else to say. I need to get a shower and study now :)

Backroad Romance

I have to confess... I have been in love before but it was never reciprocated. I always had this vision as a kid that I would find a boyfriend in high school and it would be a "forever" thing. Boy, was I wrong. It has caused me to have my shields up for quite a while.

When you have a boyfriend for three years and you find out from your best friend he has slept with multiple girls behind your back, those walls form. The sad thing is, the guy who told me, was the guy I wanted to date in the first place. It was always the "best friend" situation with me.

Oh boys..

Busy Bee

I have, yet again, become very busy over the past few days. Personally, I have a lot to write about that I may put into some short stories and such. I have realized that being a writer is what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I really don't have much else to say. :)

Writing Season

I think fall and winter are the best seasons for me to write in. All of my writings from those seasons seem more detailed and it may take longer to write but it is worth it in the end. I have had many ideas for books lately but when it comes to having the time.... oh boy.

I try to set aside time to write but it is hard. I am not doing too well in my classes right now so I am hoping to get those grades up. Focusing too much on that is driving me a bit bonkers honestly. it's hard to juggle all of these ideas, two classes, and fear because I don't have a job.

Today is "get everything done" day so i can't write very much. It isn't even 1 yet and I am baking a cake, doing laundry, already at breakfast & lunch, edited videos, posted to youtube, and now this. fun huh?

Fried Green Tomatoes

Again, I forgot to write but I was just a bit lazy yesterday. I studied most of the day and goofed around for the most part. You may be wondering about the title... Two reasons, one, it is one of the best movies of all time, and two, I am recoding it right now. :) I have gotten a lot done this morning so I decided to reward myself. The reward? Taking time out to write this blog.

So today I thought I would talk about what I read in childhood. There was a lot of fairytales in this house. I went through the Disney Princess Stage for sure. I also went through the stage shown above. Quite often, after finishing a book I staed that quote as well. The greatest thing about that is that it is possible to start books over. 

When I reread a book, I may notice things I hadn't before. Amazing isn't it? Sometimes, I even notice the small things such as punctuation and grammar mistakes. I learned when I was younger that everyone writes in different forms. I think that is what made me fall in love with poetry.

I found a quote that explains how I feel about writing: 

“We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry.”

—

E.B. White, Letters of E.B. White

 Now, I may have millions of book ideas yet, if i don't pursue it, what good will it do me, locked up in my mind?

Writing and Sexuality

I forgot to write yesterday. I was trying to focus on schoolwork. Sorry for that guys!

Alright, confession... I am an almost 20 year old virgin. Deal with it. But that doesn't mean that I haven't been offered. breaking your pelvis doesn't really help the situation. Also, I have realized in recent years that I like both women and men. Interesting right?


So a lot of people think that to write sexy stuff, you have to have had sex. That is totally not true in my opinion. People fantasize and I am sure that is where stuff for most romantic novels comes from. Also, I am "the virgin" but everyone else tells me about their sex lives. Good times... NOT.

Anyway... I think that is all I have to say for the day

In memory

I am going to blog every morning. I know I can get it done easier in the morning because my parents are usually either at work or sleeping. So the entry will now begin:

So today I thought I would talk about this house I live in and the connection between it and yellow roses. Now, as many of you know, yellow roses signify friendship. My mom also had yellow roses as her flowers at her wedding. That is the simple connection.

When it comes to friendship, I am not the best at it. I don't mean that I am not a good friend it's just that I don't seem to pick decent friends most of the time. Most of my friends have come and gone. I also have an issue with forgiving too easily.

If I haven't stopped speaking to friends after a while, they seem to pass away. Since middle school, I have lost many friends and friends reatives around my age to accidents, overdose, and suicide.

The first one in middle school that I remember was a friend I met at a vacation bible school. She was riding her bike back home from a house two houses down from hers and she was hit by a drunk driver. We didn't really keep in touch too much and I wish we would have. It was way before facebook ever came into the picture and we were a bit too young to use it even if it exsisted.

Then the next one was an accident where I actually lost two friends at once. They were brothers, Devin was 16 and Kade was 12. I had just changed schools and I didn't know about it until the end of my school day. I remember every detail from that day from the time when I walked into school until I left.

I found out in 4th hour, the first half. I had a & b so I had 5 classes in all. We had just found proxys to get to Myspace and I didn't really get too much stuff during the week on there because everyone knew I lived with my grandparents. I had a message marked IMPORTANT from my friend Wendy and I just knew something was wrong. She told me that Devin was driving and hit a 4x4 truck head on and that he and his brother had passed away. (this may be a long blog)

Once I found out, I closed all of the stuff I was working on and I just lost it. Well, not until I went into the bathroom. I asked to leave for a bit and I sat in one of the stalls and kept saying. "No, this isn't real." over and over. (I know this sounds like a bad movie but it was my life) I went to the office then to see if a coursler or my principal was in and they told me the principal had left.

My princial had been the assistant principal at my old school until the year I went to school there. Anywho, from that point, the rest of the day was a haze. I didn't do any homework in my study hall like class. I remember that some people from my old school who knew the boys went to my school so I told them before I left. They didn't belive me and joked about it until I started crying in the hall. Then it became semi real to me.

When I got back to my grandparents, I didn't say anything. I just got on my phone to anyone I could contact. I wanted to know if it was real. I had checked my Myspace before I left and saw everyone was talking about it. I told Nana that they had passed but I kept my composure. So, I tried to keep calling people and then I heard the five o'clock news. I opened the door and saw Devin's picture on the news and it sank in. There was going to be a memorial that night so I begged my dad to let me go.

Everyone else who knew them had someone to talk to that week about how they felt. I felt like I had no one. The day to pay respects came and I remember I had to leave early so I had to cut in line. I know that sounds horrible but it was held in the school gym and the line around the school was so long. I saw one of my old neighbors and she said that I shouldn't even look at them. I broke down then too obviously.

I felt like I was in that line forever. I braced myself and my dad even had to leave so I had to get a ride home. Now, the moment I was feet away from the casket I just took a deep breath. I had written him a note and placed it in the casket. It was hard because they were buried in the same casket so it wasn't just him it was little Kade too. Everyone knew I was going to take it hard. I told their older brother, who had gone to school with my brother, that he sent his condolences. Then.... I saw his dad. That was the hardest thing for me.

Devin and I had this bond that was kind of weird. We had our own little jokes, he was always there. One of our friends had to explain it to my mom and it was just... gosh I miss those boys.

About a year after, a friend of ours commited suicide. I found this out from my cousin one day. I couldn't believe it. Anthony was such a sweet guy and it was just hard. We weren't as close as Devin and I were but still. I didn't go pay respects because it was just too much.

A few moths after that, one of my friends from my new school who had transferred back to her old school died from a crash on a dirt bike. She didn't wear a helmet and the driver of it died as well. I knew of him but I didn't know him well. Anna had been there for me when Devin died so it was a bit surreal.

After she passed, one of our mutual friends died of a suspected overdose. Her case is inder investigation so I am not going to say anything. She was one of the most amazing sweet people I knew even though she could be tough.

One of my friends from girl scouts brother commited suicide as well. I don't really want to go into that. It is kind of weird when I had sat next to this kid on the bus daily back in middle school. He was so sweet.

The most recent was my friend Kyle. He died a week ago. It was another car accident and drunk driving was involved. It is hardest for me to write about because it is so fresh. He was friends with a lot of my friends, dated a lot of my friends, best friends with one of my ex's. So, he was around a lot.

So, in conclision: I love you Kody, Devin, Kade, Anna, Cherie, Mason, Anthony, Kyle, and Nick

I knew nick as a baby so there isn't much to put about him. He passed away when we were ten. It has almost been 10 years. Crazy... Love you bud.

BEDO

I am going to try to blog every day this month. One reason is because I feel I will have more to write about. Here it goes:

If you have never seen a typewriter, I think you are nuts. Now, I understand my younger cousins most likely have not but let me tell you something. Ready? I like type writers more than I like keyboards. Yep, I said it. Now here is the reason why, typing on a typewriter feels different. I feel like with each "click" I am making more of an impact. Even though, once your fingers hit keys on a keyboard, you also hear that noise.

Now, you may be wondering why I didn't blog every day last month.... one word: SCHOOL. Yeah, I kicked butt in my class last term but now I am not doing too hot so I will be studying all night after this. Yep.

Til tomorrow..

Women Inspire.

Above are many photos of women who inspire me or things that hopefully one day will. As you see, there are many pictures of Adele. Her music brings out the best in my writing. Also, I have found that my writings are deeper then.
Marilyn Monroe is also an inspiration. She was a strong women who knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. Plus, I love her movies.
The fifth photo is a picture of me & Sarah at her wedding. She has been there for me when I need her. She is the best friend a girl could have

Back to Basics

So I have been rather busy today. I am frustrated with the fact that I can't get a hold of anyone at all. When I get frustrated, I write but it doesn't come easy.

Today, I found some old radio programs and I am listening to them. Writing for radio shows must be interesting. It has given me an idea to write a short story in play form at some point. I am not sure how it will work out but it is out of my confort zone.

Being out of your comfort zone is a good thing when it comes to expanding. Although my sotry written in that form may not be good, I can always improve and see where I went wrong. I would write it now but again, I have homework. Along with doing homework, I am editing videos for my youtube channel. Performances from TV shows & movie and such.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LeahsSpeeches?feature=mhee
check it out

Out on the Farm

 

http://www.testq.com/nfs/testq/photos/0002/3445/Wallpaper_1080p__23_.jpg

There are many places that I love to write. I write in my room a lot because it is the only place where I can relax often. As a kid, I actually would make a spot on the floor in the corner where I would write. I would sit on a blanket, surrounded by other bankets and I would just write. I should do that more often but lately, I haven't been able to.

The one place where I can relax more than anywhere else is at Nana & Papa's. This reminded me of their house because before I was born, it was a working farm. Anywho, it is so relaxing I have often fallen asleep writing laying in the bed I always stay in.

I would write more but I have homework so.. yep.

What's his name... Cat

Movies inspire me as well. Growing up I have watched pretty much every movie genere there is. A fa favorite of mine is Breakfast at Tiffanys. When I don't feel well, it is the first movie I watch. That and any shirley temple movie I can get my hands on. I bought a set the other day of Shirley temple movies & shorts.

Anywho, I have wanted to write plays but it doesn't come quickly to me. Speaking of, I have been trying to write and I thought an idea came to me but anything I write besides blogs aren't clicking. Darn writers block.

Ways to clear my mind

Writing helps me take all of my cluttered thoughts and spew them onto a page. I have noticed that sometimes, my poetry, journals, or anything really, make sense in some way but not others. I have to re read often to revise my writing. I also rewrite notes for classes so that concepts make sense to me.

I have been spending parts of my day cleaning my room and editing videos and I found a book that I really have no use for anymore. I am going to donate it but I still want to keep some sense of it. How did I do that you ask? I looked up the subject online and printed out pages of the exercises. [the book,  should add, is a yoga book] So now, I have printed diagrams and the names of the poses in a clean format. I will now put them in a buinder and use it often instead of having a book sit on my shelf. I love the book, it's just some of the things, I have outgrown.

Now, don't take that last remark as me outgrowing everything. I feel it is good to go back to basics and these days, it is easy to. I just need to reduce some of the things in my life and if I can go from having a book to just having pages in a binder, I will be downsizing.

I have always donated books that are no longer useful to me as well. It was something my parents instilled in me at a young age. "If you have no use for it, someone else might."

People Watching

/

I'm not going to lie, I people watch sometimes. It can be intersting to look at someone and try to figure out their story. Like I have said before, you don;t know their story until you talk to them. Still, when you are frequently bored, its fun.

I have been trying to write some every so often and I think I have come up with a good plan and such.

A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
W. H. Auden