In memory

I am going to blog every morning. I know I can get it done easier in the morning because my parents are usually either at work or sleeping. So the entry will now begin:

So today I thought I would talk about this house I live in and the connection between it and yellow roses. Now, as many of you know, yellow roses signify friendship. My mom also had yellow roses as her flowers at her wedding. That is the simple connection.

When it comes to friendship, I am not the best at it. I don't mean that I am not a good friend it's just that I don't seem to pick decent friends most of the time. Most of my friends have come and gone. I also have an issue with forgiving too easily.

If I haven't stopped speaking to friends after a while, they seem to pass away. Since middle school, I have lost many friends and friends reatives around my age to accidents, overdose, and suicide.

The first one in middle school that I remember was a friend I met at a vacation bible school. She was riding her bike back home from a house two houses down from hers and she was hit by a drunk driver. We didn't really keep in touch too much and I wish we would have. It was way before facebook ever came into the picture and we were a bit too young to use it even if it exsisted.

Then the next one was an accident where I actually lost two friends at once. They were brothers, Devin was 16 and Kade was 12. I had just changed schools and I didn't know about it until the end of my school day. I remember every detail from that day from the time when I walked into school until I left.

I found out in 4th hour, the first half. I had a & b so I had 5 classes in all. We had just found proxys to get to Myspace and I didn't really get too much stuff during the week on there because everyone knew I lived with my grandparents. I had a message marked IMPORTANT from my friend Wendy and I just knew something was wrong. She told me that Devin was driving and hit a 4x4 truck head on and that he and his brother had passed away. (this may be a long blog)

Once I found out, I closed all of the stuff I was working on and I just lost it. Well, not until I went into the bathroom. I asked to leave for a bit and I sat in one of the stalls and kept saying. "No, this isn't real." over and over. (I know this sounds like a bad movie but it was my life) I went to the office then to see if a coursler or my principal was in and they told me the principal had left.

My princial had been the assistant principal at my old school until the year I went to school there. Anywho, from that point, the rest of the day was a haze. I didn't do any homework in my study hall like class. I remember that some people from my old school who knew the boys went to my school so I told them before I left. They didn't belive me and joked about it until I started crying in the hall. Then it became semi real to me.

When I got back to my grandparents, I didn't say anything. I just got on my phone to anyone I could contact. I wanted to know if it was real. I had checked my Myspace before I left and saw everyone was talking about it. I told Nana that they had passed but I kept my composure. So, I tried to keep calling people and then I heard the five o'clock news. I opened the door and saw Devin's picture on the news and it sank in. There was going to be a memorial that night so I begged my dad to let me go.

Everyone else who knew them had someone to talk to that week about how they felt. I felt like I had no one. The day to pay respects came and I remember I had to leave early so I had to cut in line. I know that sounds horrible but it was held in the school gym and the line around the school was so long. I saw one of my old neighbors and she said that I shouldn't even look at them. I broke down then too obviously.

I felt like I was in that line forever. I braced myself and my dad even had to leave so I had to get a ride home. Now, the moment I was feet away from the casket I just took a deep breath. I had written him a note and placed it in the casket. It was hard because they were buried in the same casket so it wasn't just him it was little Kade too. Everyone knew I was going to take it hard. I told their older brother, who had gone to school with my brother, that he sent his condolences. Then.... I saw his dad. That was the hardest thing for me.

Devin and I had this bond that was kind of weird. We had our own little jokes, he was always there. One of our friends had to explain it to my mom and it was just... gosh I miss those boys.

About a year after, a friend of ours commited suicide. I found this out from my cousin one day. I couldn't believe it. Anthony was such a sweet guy and it was just hard. We weren't as close as Devin and I were but still. I didn't go pay respects because it was just too much.

A few moths after that, one of my friends from my new school who had transferred back to her old school died from a crash on a dirt bike. She didn't wear a helmet and the driver of it died as well. I knew of him but I didn't know him well. Anna had been there for me when Devin died so it was a bit surreal.

After she passed, one of our mutual friends died of a suspected overdose. Her case is inder investigation so I am not going to say anything. She was one of the most amazing sweet people I knew even though she could be tough.

One of my friends from girl scouts brother commited suicide as well. I don't really want to go into that. It is kind of weird when I had sat next to this kid on the bus daily back in middle school. He was so sweet.

The most recent was my friend Kyle. He died a week ago. It was another car accident and drunk driving was involved. It is hardest for me to write about because it is so fresh. He was friends with a lot of my friends, dated a lot of my friends, best friends with one of my ex's. So, he was around a lot.

So, in conclision: I love you Kody, Devin, Kade, Anna, Cherie, Mason, Anthony, Kyle, and Nick

I knew nick as a baby so there isn't much to put about him. He passed away when we were ten. It has almost been 10 years. Crazy... Love you bud.